Funny Jewish Jokes and Comics!

THE OFFICIAL LUBAVITCH SHIDDUCH RESUME

(for bochurim)
Composed by Yeshiva Gedola Lubavitch London
Copyright > © 2000 by A. C. Arts®â"¢ and Breezy inc. All
rights reserved.

Name_________________________ Nick Name
_____________________
Age __________________________ D.O.B.
_________________________
Hebrew D.O.B. _________________ Age on passport
_________________
Signature ______________________
Place of Birth: City___________ State_______________
Zip ___________ Country ________________
Hospital/Airline _____________________
Doctor/Midwife ______________________
Height _______ Width _______ Weight _______
Hair:
o Yes
o No
If yes: With dye ________ Without dye ________

Size of beard:
(a) I "pick" my beard
(b) Which beard?
(c) We don't need brooms anymore
(d) "Never grew"
(e) Goatee
(f) Sideburns

Colour eyes:
With contact lenses ________ Without lenses ________
Please tick where applicable:
o Never looked in a mirror

Religious Affiliation:
o Jewish:
(a) FFB (Frum From Birth)
(b) BT
(c) OT'nik
(d) Modern orthodox
o Non-Jewish:
(a) Friends of Lubavitch
(b) Wannabe Jewish
(c) Magnet

Education: Please Star * any that was Co-ed.
(a) Playgroup _______________________
(b) Pre-school _______________________
(c) Elementary ______________________
(d) Mesivta _________________________
(e) Yeshivos ________________________
________________________
________________________
________________________
________________________
(f) Mashpia _________________________

GETTING PERSONAL

1. How many yeshivos have you been kicked out of?
(a) 1-2
(b) 3-5
(c) Lost count
(d) Never got in

2. Have you ever been in a snag
school/yeshiva/college/hangout?
________

3. Tick where applicable:
I do daily:
o Ramba"m
o Chita"s
o Daf Yomi
o Bekius
o Shnayim Mikrah Ve'Echad Targum
o None of the above

4. How often do you go to Mikveh?
(a) Only when it's hot
(b) Once a day
(c) Twice a day
(d) After sports
(e) Whenever I need a shower
(f) Erev Yom Kippur
(g) Only when shayach

5. What were your latest Hachlatos?
1. _________________________
2. _________________________
3. _________________________

Most important question:
6. Do you say Yechi?
(a) Hells-yeah!
(b) Yehei Shmai Rabohâ¦
(c) Neutral

7. Have you had any confrontations with the Moshiach
monster?
________

8. How many times do you go to 770 yearly? ________

9. What is your favourite website?
(a) www.shmais.com
(b) www.chabad.org
(c) www.uncle-moishy.com
(d) My Mashpia says es pas nisht
(e) www.770live.org
(f) My mother put parental controls on it
(g) www.wallstreet.com
(h) Aol-chat

10. How many scams do you average a week? ________
__ # of Cellphone(s)
__ # of Beeper(s)
__ Type of car(s)

11. Do you have fake child ID? ________

12. Do you have fake adult ID? ________

13. Which Sefirah describes you the most?
_______________

14. What do you read in the bathroom?
(a) Read? I smoke in the bathroom
(b) Readers digest
(c) Comments on the wall
(d) I write in the bathroom
(e) Beis Moshiach
(f) Kfar Chabad
(g) I don't know if I should say

15. How many Maamorim have you chazered Baal Peh?
________

The following question may seem a bit unusual,
however, professional
Shadchanim know what really determines a bochur's
character.

16. Do you wear boxers or briefs? ________

17. What do you do to relax?
(a) Drink
(b) Smoke
(c) Date
(d) Eat
(e) Go to Mikveh
(f) Go on internet
(g) Learn a Maamar
(h) Play twiddlythumbs

18. How often do you play sports? ________

19. What songs do you sing in the shower/Mikveh?
(a) Chas Veshalom! We can't talk bichlal!
(b) Nichoach
(c) Oif simchas
(d) Goiyishe niggunim (it doesn't pas to sing Divrei
Kedusha in the shower)
(e) 100 bottles of Mashkeh on the wall
(f) Destiny

20. Which shluchim are you connections?
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________

21. During the superbowl you are:
(a) In the bathroom
(b) Learning by candlelight
(c) At ESPN
(d) Superbowl, what's that?

22. Are your suits:
(a) Double breasted
(b) 3 button
(c) 5 button
(d) I'm casual style- jeans and T-shirt
(e) Kapoteh

23. How many perakim of Tanya do you know Baal Peh?
________

24. How often do you buy a new hat?
(a) Once a year
(b) For every date
(c) Every time it rains
(d) Twice in a lifetime (Bar Mitzvah & Wedding IY"H)
(e) What's wrong with my Bar Mitzvah hat?

25. Is your grandfather:
(a) An eltere chossid from Russia
(b) Dead
(c) Frei/snag
(d) A Rov
(e) In an old age home
(f) In an asylum
(g) A Mohel

FAMILY MATTERS

26. What type of tablecloth does your family use on
Shabbos?
(a) Disposable
(b) Classic white
(c) None of the above

27. What is your retail value on the marker?
$$________

28. Honestly, when you see those chocolates on the
table do you:
(a) Wonder if they're plastic & glued to the dish
(b) Start drooling
(c) I will not succumb to this great Tayva

29. Your opinion on opening the car door for a girl:
(a) It's a big Nisayon for me, I'm makpid on Shmiras
anayim
(b) I make a pshara & use the remote
(c) The door of my fathers stationwagon doesn't open
(d) Es pas nischt tzu zain in a car with a girl
(e) It's a shtus- I don't do it

30. What was the most embarrassing thing that
happened to you on
a date?
(a) She asked me to chazer a Maamar
(b) I can't say, it's Loshon Horah
(c) I forgot the girl's name
(d) We met too many of our ex-dates
(e) I crashed
(f) The FBI finally caught me

31. What do you feel is your supreme sacrifice for
Yiddishkieit?
(a) Eating out only once a week
(b) Kingston pizza
(c) Letting my wife work
(d) Going to Mikveh once a year
(e) Getting an Aliya on Simchas Torah

32. What's your favourite Mashkeh?
(a) Smirnoff
(b) Absolut
(c) Glenfiddish
(d) The 99cents one
(e) Zeks un naintziker
(f) Johnny Walker
(g) Crown royal
(h) What Mashkeh? I'll stick with Molson & Heineken
(i) Any Mashkeh

33. Where are you during a Farbrengen?
(a) On a date
(b) At the Farby, drunk
(c) Smoking outside
(d) Partyin'

34. What kind of Yarmulkah do you wear?
(a) Tatty Yarmulkah
(b) Yechi Yarmulkah
(c) Beanie Yarmulkah
(d) I never take off my hat

35. How often do you change your Gatkes?
(a) Twice a day
(b) When they crack
(c) Le'kavod Shabbos
(d) Le'kavod Rosh Hashanah

36. What do you want to be when you get married
IY"H?
(a) A Shliach
(b) A Gabbai
(c) A Mohel
(d) An Eltereh Chossid
(e) A millionaire
(f) A Rosh Yeshiva

37. Why do you feel you're ready to get married now?
(a) My mother told me to
(b) Was I supposed to think about this?
(c) Fast cash
(d) It's that time of age, you know
(e) Because all my friends are
(f) Because all my friends are grandfathers already

38. Lastly, why do you think you should be chosen
above everyone else?
(a) I'm great at winning parking tickets
(b) I have a great Yichus (Gezhe)
(c) I shtayg in Torah yomam ve'layla (I'm a Godol
Betorah)
(d) I'm older than everyone else